Lord I Love You

Oh Lord you know deep down I love you. I don’t agree with the worlds view on you. They don't believe that you came for us or that you died on the cross for our sins. I know theres a lot of things that I’m fighting through. But Lord please know that no matter what I love you. I love you because you first died for me. I love you because you are the oxygen I breathe you are my everything.

Whether it is satan or this rare genetic blood disease that is causing me this insanity and makes me fight for you Lord, all that matters to me is that at the end of the day I fight for you and you know how much I love you. Because of you I am alive and because of you I live my life. Because you are the oxygen I breathe you are my everything. 

I love you Lord because when the world turned their backs on me you were the one that held me. I love you because when this blood disease claimed my life in the middle of the night one high school night you brought me back to life. Even though it was a scary experience and I was for a brief moment free of pain and coming to see you in the clouds of glory. You sent my grandfather to me and told me that it wasn't time for me to leave. So I awoke gasping for breath and feeling the presence of death. But the worst part was smelling my own rotting flesh that is a smell I never will forget because there is none so horrible as it.

And I love you because you keep me alive and when I wake up I live my life because of you. But most importantly of all I love you for coming and dying on the cross. For taking on the world's sin, shame, sickness, and heartache, I love you. Because you care, I love you because you are my air. I love you because you are the oxygen I breathe you are my everything. I love you. 

Max Lucado No More Fear

Here is a link to a sermon by Max Lucado called No More Fear. I found it very ministering and calming. Myself I struggle with fear and anxiety and this sermon talks about fear and how God is in charge. 

http://vimeo.com/60290686

Dear God

Dear God,

 Dear God I know I'm wrong a lot in most things I do. And I know that I am not even worthy of you. I know I have no right to ask, but please hear my plea. I feel as if this life of mine is heading on the brink of insanity. This rare genetic blood disease I have is eating me alive. And God I know that I don't always do what I should, but I think about you day and night. I pray and read my bible too, and I know this is not enough. I know I can never repay your great mercy and love when you came Lord Jesus Christ to this earth of ours. And became man, but still God, to die on a cross for us. I know that some don't understand the agony you went through. With this rare genetic blood disease I have I can only imagine some of the things you must have went through. And that scares me because I know your pain was a lot worse than mine. For the worlds sin and shame you took on yourself that day. I understand the price you paid for my soul and others. I accept your sacrifice, mercy, grace, love and guidance. Jesus I know I complain a lot, but I know you know what I'm going through because on that cross you felt my pain, what I'm feeling now. And somehow, although I can't see it now, I know you already have it all worked out. Lord Jesus forgive me for any sin I might have, not going to church like I should. You know all things Lord Jesus my God. I know that you do. You know how sick I can get and how hard it is for me to sit a long time on the pew. You know that I am torn between two totally opposite religions. My parents religion both had a different one. And I struggled all my life to know what was right and wrong. My sole goal and purpose in this life is to serve you. If I'm not doing that than please help me to. Lord, I know that you have me in the palm of your hand. I know that no bad you put on me, but when sin entered in man, consequences we must face now in our lives. I accept this and understand that we live and die. My life I always have turned to you and now, I do the same. That little girl who laid in her bed at night to go to sleep. Looking up at the stars in the night sky through her window top she prayed a very special prayer and promised you something if you would grant her one thing. You did and so she tried to live up to her word. For I was that little girl and I promised you I would be good. So all my life though times I failed I have tried to be good. And now I want to make it my life's mission to live up to those words. For I pray them again tonight though now I have no window top to look at the stars in the night sky. I pray a similar prayer the promise from me is to be good, I will do the best I can, if you will help me and show me the path you want me on and you know what all else I need. For my life is very filled with turmoil and confusion. So in your hands I give it to you a promise from a little girl let me live once again through the night and the rest of my prayer you know and if you help me again I will be good. You know that I am not like most my heart is in your hands. I think solely on you both day and night. And I know that you can set these things right. A goodness you put on me then as a child in that prayer. This I pray you can do again renew my spirit with thy goodness, and make my heart and soul right with thee. Let your goodness once again flow from within me. I will be good my Lord a child's prayer I prayed, now as an adult I pray the same prayer with some different needs. But Lord you know my heart and my promise I will keep. Lead me to a path that is stronger than I. Lead me to your heart and soul and let your light so shine within mine. 


This I pray in Jesus Name AMEN.                                                                                   

Release Me

Released from the shackles that bounded me.
Freed from the prison that held me.
Set free from the tortures that tortured me.

I'm in my haven now, I'm away from those fears and doubts.
The ones that tried to tear me down are long gone from me now.
I'm brought to a land of peace, away from the snares of their infirmities.

Remembering the demons that tortured me.
I'll never forget the nights of un rest and no peace.
Or the torture I felt in my soul as I was at an all time low laying with the demons in the ditches.
I grew up in a snake pit fighting for my life.
I grew up in a snake pit fighting for every breath inside.

Emotions

Hello pain, pain that I thought I put aside. 
Pain that haunted my youth and sorrow that brought tears to my eyes.
Youth is a traumatic time in a person's life.
Emotions run wild and right and wrong are tested through each person's life.

It makes it worse if you have say per chance a rare genetic blood disease. 
A disease that brings out the emotions in you and can bring you to your knees.
A disease that shapes your whole childhood, youth, young adult life too. 
A disease that frightens the very whits out of you.

But no one knows this pain you feel. This time in your life.
Your suppose to be normal and yet you feel so much more inside.
Emotions are not just your average teenage high. 
They are epic on a mountain top ready to sprout wings and fly.

They make you happy, sad, angry too. But when you hurt it cuts down to the very core of you.
No one stops to think that one dirty look can send you into a tail spin.
They don't know the demons you fight each day just to live.
Emotions of this nature are quite dangerous. That's why God is a constant strength to those who let him.       

People don't understand they can tear apart a young life.
Fear, love, hate, all multiplied by ten thousand and that's what a person like this feels.
It takes an army of angels a God of mercy to intervene. 
Because you put your faith in God and so feelings you learn to deal with. And over time you learn how to rationalize, cope, and deal. You learn that even though the world feels like it's coming to an end, does not mean that it really is all going to end. And even though it hurts so bad when love leaves you. You learn to move on and be glad alone or with someone new. For those who choose solitary its a hard life to cope with. But who else but God could even understand what your faced with? 

Emotions so strong like a tidal wave, a current, a meteoroid shower inside.
Ripping you to shreds every time you feel, think, or cry. 
So trust in God and don't let the emotions overwhelm you. 
For God is the only one who could ever understand and sort through all the emotions in you.   

The Invisible Pain Inside Me

Normalcy escapes me, haunted dreams stay with me, and now I don't want to leave the house.
Madness overcomes me, my brain explodes within me and I can feel the pressure rising. 
Do you know what it's like to feel every blood cell flowing through your veins and in each cell it feels as if tiny pins or gouging knives are stabbing out your veins?
Could you understand what it's like to be in so much pain that it radiates throughout your body and into the veins, through all your insides, your very aware of the horrific pain?
Can you stand to cry yourself to sleep at night because the disease is getting to you?
But you put on a brave face, and turn to God for an escape, and pray that somehow you will get through.
God does work in mysterious ways as he is in constant control of your life. 
Because you believed in him after he first died for you.
And so your life you gave to Christ, so he sees your pain. And from time to time when the time is right he steps in to heal your pain and sometimes he does such amazing miraculous things like bringing you back from the dead one night when you died in your sleep. 
And it is through these times I learn to trust in God more than ever before.
So even though I have to endure the little pain I feel, and I say that in reverence to Christ because he died for us and so much pain was put on him on the cross.
So my pain is small compared to his and what he took on for us. 
And so if Christ can do that for us and give his life for ours. Then rise from the grave on the third day then this blood disease I can bare and live my life for him.  

Mad World

It's a mad mad world out there someone once said. And I can see what they meant. People in this world will try to tear you to shreds even your own family. So guard your heart, not putting up a wall that no one can get into, but just guard it. Keep an eye out for those who would want to accuse you or missue you so that you can protect your heart. Because in the end you can become disheartened. Don't let that happen. Have faith in God, keep your eye on the prize and let no one bring you down. Instead give it to God and do your best to witness to them. And keep your own self above reproach.