All About Me!!!

Ok, so it's been a long time since I wrote anything really about myself. Most of what I write is poems or about God or my sickness or what I'm up to. So here is a mini all about me story.

When I was little I was full of energy and usually ended up bouncing off the walls! Not literally!  I loved dancing. I would come home from school and dance for hours. I was always listening to music. I remember being in school and all I could think about was going home turning the music on and dancing. Then as I got older I got sick and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My parents took me to all kinds of doctors, I had all kinds of tests and procedures done. It got to the point where I was sick of needles, sick of tests, and sick of the doctor. In general I was just sick of being sick. It wasn't until my senior year of high school the doctors found out I had a rare genetic blood disease called Porphyria. Still there are eight different kind of Porphyria and the doctors didn't know which kind I had. I would have to wait a few more years to know that I had Coproporphyria. It can be extremely painful. I have been through a lot with this disease. I don't even know how to begin to tell what all I've been through. It was frustrating because I would tell people I was sick, but because I didn't always look sick, because they didn't understand the disease or never even heard of it they didn't believe me. I would get so sick of explaining my disease, explaining yes I am sick. It stole years off my life. My friends moved on without me, my family disliked me, it was only me and my parents and God. Then my dad got lung cancer which ended up being cured and he is currently in remission. But out of that I met an oncologist/hematologist, my dad's doctor. He knew about blood disorders and was able to help me. There is no cure for what I have. But with prayer, food, and medicine I'm able to manage it better now. I still have moments, days, where I don't feel good, I have to fight through the pain and suffering to keep moving on. Currently I'm back in college working on my degree. I'm getting close to finishing in a little over a year. I love to write, I used to write a lot more than I do now. I would just spend hours writing spilling out my emotions and thoughts. I love art. Painting is one of my passions. Even though I'm not the best painter I still love it. Most of my artwork is very abstract. I have a unique way I see the world. I believe all things are possible through God. Even things we can't understand. I have a child like sense of wonder maybe fairies could be real, I would love for mermaids, unicorns, dragons, etc to really exist. A lot of the time I'm in my own little world. Even though I have grown up and seen the world I do still maintain that sense of wonder something I hope to keep with me forever. 

God Does Heal

First, I don't think God puts stuff on us. God is pure and holy he doesn't cause bad things to happen. I believe that because with man there is sin in the world, and sin brings conquesences. If anyone is to blame it's sin and the devil. I never think God has brought anything on me. I feel the opposite. I could have never made it through without him. When I was little well I had a horrible childhood. The sickness was undiagnosed then and I would be sick and no one knew what was wrong, causing problems with me. It affects the way I think, like I get paranoid sometimes, hysterical, anxiety attacks, it also causes diharreaha, then constipation, blood from rectum, etc. I've had 2 colonospy's in my life and I'm still in my 20's, I have also had a semiosopy thing. Some horrible tests done, that I never want to have to do again! What feels like hundreds of blood work, needles, mri's, cat scans, x-rays, you name and I've probablly have had it done. I felt like I was going insane, and finally they put me on anti depressants, The thing is I'm not a depressed person, the disease causes severe mood changes, like one minute I will be so happy and feeling a thousand miles high, and the next I feel as though I've hit rock bottom. I'm on 2 100 mg of Zoloft a day. Yeah, nice huh. LOL. I also have xanax as needed, I have a mucsule relaxer, cause certain parts of my body will start twitching for no appareant reason, it also helps keeps the miragrane headaches away. Will I guess there really tension headaches, but there horrible. I also have prescription pain pills I take as needed, when I'm on my period that's every single day of the period, some twice a day. It's horrible. I've been admitted to the hospital because of my period, because my blood pressure has fallen really low and I get week, dizzy, extreme pain everywhere and feel like I'm dying. I can only say that the grace of God has gotten me through them. I remember when I was younger and first started having the horrible periods, I would have to sleep them off with a heating pad, I really needed ten heating pads, but I remember when I would wake up I would feel the prescence of God in the room and could hear church hymns being sung, and I would think to myself God has gotten me through it again. I have felt him heal my stomach when the stomach pain was so sharp and intense like a thousand stabbing knives twisting my stomach apart. I've been prayed for and I have felt God's healing power. I know I'm alive today because he spared my life. I acutally have a death story I could tell you. I was going to die, if not died one night in my sleep, It was like I was about to reach Heaven's doors, and then I woke up gasping for breath and I could smell this horrible smell, like the smell of death, and I knew God had spared my life. So you see, I could have never made it in this life without the healing power of God. I also have head problems as well.

Ok, second my head pains. Like almost 3 years ago I had a very bad car wreck and totaled the car. I blacked out for a second and came too thinking I shouldn't be alive. I know God is protecting me. I had a concussion and have had head / neck pain ever since then. I've had mri's, but they've always been normal. So I just have pain to deal with from that sometimes. A lot really. But I always tell myself it could be worse, I could be dead, totally messed up or worse. I know that God has always been with me and healed me and spared my life. I have huge faith in God and God's healing power. I believe the verse that says if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed you can move mountains, or something like that. I have a lot of faith in healing from God. And it's because I've read the stories in the Bible and believed them, then knew God could heal me, and then felt his healing in me over and over again. So even though I suffer, God never promised we would have it easy, and I think sometimes we bring things on ourselves, like I blame only myself for the car wreck, if I hadn't looked down for that split second I wouldn't have hit the car in front of me when they stopped suddenly. But anyhow, so I don't give into the notion that God brings us pain, because I believe he doesn't, I believe that he helps us through the pain, we just sometimes need the faith to believe he's capable of anything, even healing something like what I have Porphyria, any other kind of disease or even aids, something there's no cure for, God can do anything, just pray and believe and it will happen. That's how I look at things, God will take care of me. I have very strong beliefs on God and his healing power.

Becoming your life

Most of us have goals or plans for the future. We want to succeed at something. My dream has been to become a famous writer. And to tell people about Jesus through my writing. Sometimes it's hard to finish or accomplish your dreams, especially if you have other things wearing you down, like a rare disease. But no matter what happens you have to push through the mud and muck and make it to the other side. It's finding a way to become your life and not letting your life become you.