Porphyria: My Breaking Point

Sometimes life tends to be a bit messy. For me it is a constant threat. I try to be good, a Christian, and a light force for Christ Jesus. But so often I feel as if I failed. The disease that enthrones my body never lets me forget my failures, it constantly brings me to a place of pain and frustration, sadness, fear. It seems like I am always sick. Yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I have two different kinds of infection. I got a cortisone shot for the pain only to have an allergic reaction to it. I thought that I would end up in the emergency room like before when I had allergic reaction to medicines. But this reaction was quite different. As if a Porphyria attack such as sharp knives gauged at my stomach, then several hard places, like hard circles in my stomach, sides, back, and legs started throbbing as if they all had heart beats that were throbbing erratically and about to explode. The first thought that came to my mind was my grandfather's death and how he had blood clots all over his body when he died. My worst fear is dying like he died. But I know that his death doesn't mean that it would be mine. Otherwise God wouldn't have healed me when he did and saved me from death when I was younger when the disease tried to take my life. I know that I am here for a reason. So last night when I was sure I was going to need an emergency room, and I started sobbing and telling my mom she prayed for me. And through prayer God heard our cry and I started to feel better right away. I always forget that my mom is very sensitive to her father's death, not long after she started crying as well and I had to console her. Sometimes I try to keep stuff to myself that involves him because I know that it will upset her. But I needed her help at last, I needed someone to pray for me. And so did she need someone to pray for her. See we all need prayer, our worst fears will consume us without prayer, and our sickness will kill us without it. For me prayer and God is the only thing in this world that keeps me going. I would not be where I am today without God. I would not be alive today without God. God is what keeps me grounded. Otherwise the sickness would overcome me and I would not be able to go on. The sadness I feel with this sickness can be unbearable, the emotional turmoil, the physical pain that has been said is one of the worst painful diseases in the world, the battles to be fought are unbearable on your own. No, without Jesus Christ I could not overcome and would not be alive today. Last night I was reminded of the times God has healed me over and over again, saved me from death, brought me back from the dead, and kept me alive to tell his miracles and mercies another day.

 

God Does Heal

First, I don't think God puts stuff on us. God is pure and holy he doesn't cause bad things to happen. I believe that because with man there is sin in the world, and sin brings conquesences. If anyone is to blame it's sin and the devil. I never think God has brought anything on me. I feel the opposite. I could have never made it through without him. When I was little well I had a horrible childhood. The sickness was undiagnosed then and I would be sick and no one knew what was wrong, causing problems with me. It affects the way I think, like I get paranoid sometimes, hysterical, anxiety attacks, it also causes diharreaha, then constipation, blood from rectum, etc. I've had 2 colonospy's in my life and I'm still in my 20's, I have also had a semiosopy thing. Some horrible tests done, that I never want to have to do again! What feels like hundreds of blood work, needles, mri's, cat scans, x-rays, you name and I've probablly have had it done. I felt like I was going insane, and finally they put me on anti depressants, The thing is I'm not a depressed person, the disease causes severe mood changes, like one minute I will be so happy and feeling a thousand miles high, and the next I feel as though I've hit rock bottom. I'm on 2 100 mg of Zoloft a day. Yeah, nice huh. LOL. I also have xanax as needed, I have a mucsule relaxer, cause certain parts of my body will start twitching for no appareant reason, it also helps keeps the miragrane headaches away. Will I guess there really tension headaches, but there horrible. I also have prescription pain pills I take as needed, when I'm on my period that's every single day of the period, some twice a day. It's horrible. I've been admitted to the hospital because of my period, because my blood pressure has fallen really low and I get week, dizzy, extreme pain everywhere and feel like I'm dying. I can only say that the grace of God has gotten me through them. I remember when I was younger and first started having the horrible periods, I would have to sleep them off with a heating pad, I really needed ten heating pads, but I remember when I would wake up I would feel the prescence of God in the room and could hear church hymns being sung, and I would think to myself God has gotten me through it again. I have felt him heal my stomach when the stomach pain was so sharp and intense like a thousand stabbing knives twisting my stomach apart. I've been prayed for and I have felt God's healing power. I know I'm alive today because he spared my life. I acutally have a death story I could tell you. I was going to die, if not died one night in my sleep, It was like I was about to reach Heaven's doors, and then I woke up gasping for breath and I could smell this horrible smell, like the smell of death, and I knew God had spared my life. So you see, I could have never made it in this life without the healing power of God. I also have head problems as well.

Ok, second my head pains. Like almost 3 years ago I had a very bad car wreck and totaled the car. I blacked out for a second and came too thinking I shouldn't be alive. I know God is protecting me. I had a concussion and have had head / neck pain ever since then. I've had mri's, but they've always been normal. So I just have pain to deal with from that sometimes. A lot really. But I always tell myself it could be worse, I could be dead, totally messed up or worse. I know that God has always been with me and healed me and spared my life. I have huge faith in God and God's healing power. I believe the verse that says if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed you can move mountains, or something like that. I have a lot of faith in healing from God. And it's because I've read the stories in the Bible and believed them, then knew God could heal me, and then felt his healing in me over and over again. So even though I suffer, God never promised we would have it easy, and I think sometimes we bring things on ourselves, like I blame only myself for the car wreck, if I hadn't looked down for that split second I wouldn't have hit the car in front of me when they stopped suddenly. But anyhow, so I don't give into the notion that God brings us pain, because I believe he doesn't, I believe that he helps us through the pain, we just sometimes need the faith to believe he's capable of anything, even healing something like what I have Porphyria, any other kind of disease or even aids, something there's no cure for, God can do anything, just pray and believe and it will happen. That's how I look at things, God will take care of me. I have very strong beliefs on God and his healing power.

I Am Blessed!

I am blessed! I was thinking on my illness and reading stories of other people with the same condition as me, and I truly am blessed! Sometimes it's hard not to feel sad or frustrated about having a rare condition, because it casues so many problems. But, for me when I was sick the most I turned to God. And I always turned to God, I still turn to God to this day. Doesn't matter what you believe about God, the fact is He healed me and He continues to heal me each day, it is a miracle I have made it this far, it is a miracle He healed me when I was my sickest and about to die, it is a miracle just to have life. Anyone whoever experienced a death experience knows not to take life forgranted, your blessed to be alive and any moment could be your last, so don't waste your time here on earth, or you may end up to regret it. But, I've come so far in the last few years, and God has contiuned to heal me over and over again. I am so blessed that I do not have the horrific symptoms I did 10 years ago, I am blessed God took them away, I am blessed I'm in mimanl pain compared to what I was before, I am blessed!! Have faith and you shall receive!