Wanderings

My frame of mind not complete feelings of pressures overwhelm me.
Floods that flow over my soul feelings of lost drain my flow.
Nothingness is embrassed and falling hard is my take.
Drained, tired, and alone crumbled up in dirt form.

Overcome overwhelm overtaken by the madness within me.
Won't let it take control won't let it drain my soul.
Can't let it win my fight, can't let it win my life.
No it doesn't stop here falling out in open fields.

Conquer control calm coming now am whole.
Nothing can take my place, no one can erase my embrace.
For with God the battle is already won, I do nothing and Christ has overcome.
Satan you must flee disease in Jesus' Name get thee behind me. 
 

Just When

Just when it seems all hope is lost something amazing happens, you find what you lost a long time ago.
For me that is my spirit. While living with an inherited condition is not only extremely difficult it also sucked the spirit out of me. 
I always have hope and faith, because without it all is lost.
So the sickness never could take away my God, my hope, my faith, or beliefs, only test them.
And just when you feel this huge vaccum of doom hanging over you it happens. 
A silver lining, a miracle, a incredible gift out of nowhere appears and boom your whole again, it gives you something you thought you had lost.
For me that was my outlook. While I have a positive outlook using Jesus Christ as my example to live and carry on. 
Sickness drains you, it takes something from you, it also gives something too a scar. 
If you use this scar correctly you can turn it into something great, but it's a weight, a burden, something that ties you down.
Really the only thing to do is to believe, believe in something, someone higher than yourself and let God use that scar and turn it into His work in you, turn it into something great, turn it into a strength you never knew you had.
So when the bad times come, faint not the bible says, just look up on high from whence cometh my help, my helps comes from the Lord the psalmist wrote. 

Alone

Alone

I have come to realize that I will probably be alone.

No man by my side, I must fight this road alone.

But there is one that is with me, Christ is by my side so I am never truly alone in this life.

 I’ve come to realize that it will be difficult.

To find someone and fall in love and have them love me no matter what.

That kind of love is rare and so hard to find.

That if I ever do find it I’ll never leave it behind.

For alone is not exactly what I want in life.

But the battles I face are hard, and the path I must take is treacherous, so I understand if someone else didn’t want to fight this fight with me.

I understand if it’s too much, for it’s even too much for me.

And without the help of Christ I couldn’t make it on my own, so I understand if I never find someone to call my own.

I don’t know who could love me the way that I am.

Only Christ my best friend, Lord and Savior, and parents could ever really understand.

So don’t worry if you find out this life is too much to bear.

I will understand if you need to leave, for I bear too many demons and monsters on my own.

I bear too much weight and sometimes I do need a shoulder to cry on.

So if you think that is not you, I will understand.

For this life I lead is not my own, the disease has finally kicked in.

And I face many demons and monsters and scary things.

Things I don’t understand and terrors that I face.

For if health is not enough there are other burdens I bear.

Too many in fact, so that I understand if you cannot stay.

I will understand if you must leave me now, I will be sad, but not begrudge you of that.

For this road is rocky and unstable and the floor could give way.

So if you want to be safe, I’m sure someone else could help you find the way.

So don’t love me for me than find out it’s too much.

But love me for me and overlook the rest of the stuff.

Seas

A sea of tears is what I leave, a sea of fears is what I take with me.
A water of sorrows leaves me alone to ponder the questions that haunts me so.
Why did this happen to me? Why do I feel so empty? Is there life beyond this point?
What do I do to overcome? Me, I overcome me, the pain, the disease, the sickness inside of me.
That is what I need to overcome. I need to cure my disease. The doctors can't do it, but there is one who can God, and He knows the answer for me, He knows the ingredients for the cure, what is it Lord, tell me please, tell me whisper into my ears a cure for this disease.

Stay Lost Awhile

Stay Lost Awhile

It’s hard trying to fit into this world today. Nothing I do seems to be right; I can’t seem to get my life together. I feel overwhelmed ninety percent of the time. Bogged down by fears and demons I hide, hide away in my room from the world. So that they won’t see this hideous monster I’m becoming. No, not inwardly, not as a human, but something much more dangerous a sickness. Yes, I’m sick, I said it, and it feels like this disease is turning me into some kind of horror show. The pain is unbearable, both physical and mental, and all I feel like doing is crying and being depressed. I want a rich full life filled with things that I can only imagine right now. It’s a struggle, a mental, physical, emotional, spiritual struggle between life, death, pain, suffering, contentment, hope, fear, and the un quenching desire for complete peace. Yes, that is what I want the most right now is utter complete un relinquishing peace!

Many times I just want to pull my hair out and run away screaming mad. Maybe completely lose my mind run down the street naked and jump in some body of water somewhere. Only I should learn how to swim first. Yes, my life isn’t the most fast paced, easy going, or sought after, but it’s mine. And I just want to make the most of it without losing myself along the way. Nothing seems to make me feel better these days, TV shows, music, games, the mundane stuff doesn’t help. But, the one thing that has always helped me I feel like I’m losing and that is God. I read my bible and pray, yet I feel like I’m lost somewhere in between, I feel like I’ve slipped into an alternate dimension and I’m just waiting to get back. Please someone let me out of here, please open the door! Don’t leave me locked inside this prison cell don’t leave me locked inside this body full of pain and misery tortured beyond end. Yet no matter what I will always believe that someday God will make a way to make this disease all better, yes I have faith, hope may be gone, but I have complete and utter faith in God Lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose from the grave on the third day for our sins, and our pain and suffering. I have complete faith in you Jesus, faith you will get me out of this sick cocoon I’m wrapped up in and set me free into the world to fly like a beautiful butterfly. Please just open the door and let me out, I’ve slept too long, let me out of here! 

Someday there will be a cure, someday I won't have to stay lost awhile inside myself.

Peace in God

One thing I've learned is to put your trust only in God. 
People will let you down, but God will not.
I've might have said this before, but it's true.

I've had a lot of people let me down, do bad things to me, and leave me.
But I've learned that forgiveness is the only way to survive and God is the only one who can heal the broken scars and make everything right again.

When all else fails grip tighter to the master's hand.
When mountains rise say to them hold still.
When waters rise say to them peace be still.
Because peace is what we need to survive in this world and not just any peace but the peace of God. 
The peace of God passeth all understanding. 

The Gentleman

The Gentleman

Pointed toward the rising sun life’s race is in a battle run.

Pressing on toward glory’s shore the race would be the most difficult one.

Running toward the prize of life fighting off demons in the night.

Feeling the effect of an unknown factor, the curse of a family a litigated disaster.

Curse the blasted blood disease that runs through the veins of this family.

The blood disease that brings such pain and makes life race run in vain.

But all hope is not lost for a hero comes to claim the lost.

Strong, dashing, gentleman who loves the world despite the evil in them.

A precious lamb lead to the slaughter to take my place on life’s altar.

I am set free by the blood of this man.

I can be made whole because he bleed then.

Though the road I walk alone, here comes the lamb to take my hand.

Together we strive onward still, God’s love is spectacular.

It gives me hope toward a better life. It saves my soul and now my life.

The time the angel of death came to me the blood of God set me free.

He said no it’s not your time; you have work to do too much work left for you.

I will not let you die. I died instead to claim back your soul and your life.

Live on and you will see that the blood of God has rescued me.

I didn’t understand my disease crippled me.

But now I see that God not only died to save my soul, he died to make me whole.

And now there’s a hope of a bright tomorrow because one God came to save his creation from their sorrows.

So just remember in your worst pain God has already felt that and so much more just to set free the souls of man and redeem them again.

To save them from a lifetime of pain and sorrow and save their souls from a fate of hells painful sorrow and to set us free and redeem us in his holy name.

Look up your eyes and see this gentleman a hero that some has forgotten about.

Look now here he comes the heroic Lord who left his throne of splendor to come down and save us sinful man.