Are You OK?

Are You OK?

These three words people ask you all the time are you OK?

Often times you will reply yes even though the answer is clearly no.

When people ask me if I’m OK, I want to throw my head back pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs “NO, I’m not OK, I’ve never been OK, and I doubt I will ever be OK again!”

Rare genetic blood diseases can do that to you; mess with your mind that is.

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the world NO I’m not OK!

I don’t feel OK, My mind is racing, every ounce of my being is in some sort of physical or emotional pain, and on top of that I’m hallucinating, stressing out over every little detail of my day, my problems, what it means, what will become of me and just let me scream!

No one gets it, they think I’m crazy, making it up, imaging it, but it’s real, every ounce of misery I feel is real, yet I chose not to give up, I chose life, and I chose to follow Christ.

No matter what happens, what evil may come my way, no matter what is going on inside of me, I will never chose the easy way out. People with terminal diseases ending their lives is a coward’s way out. It’s pathetic, it’s wrong, it’s legalized murder. If you went up to someone and said oh today is just too much I think I’ll kill myself so I won’t have to face the hardships of tomorrow, they would automatically call the cops, shrinks, you name it and you would be in a padded cell with a straight jacket on. Well people I’ve got news for you, I have a rare genetic blood disease, one that is considered one of the most painful diseases in the world, it’s been called the Madness of King George, the Vampire Disease, the Little Mimicker, all sorts of names, but one remains the same, sickness. Its name is sickness. There is no cure, and many days all I want to do is scream my guts out from the pain, but I refuse to take the cowards way out, I refuse to put a time stamp on my life when God went through so much trouble just to get me here and keep me here this long. I refuse to give into an intuition that says it’s all right to murder yourself if the pain is too much. Cowards! Life is never easy, whether you are healthy or not, death is not the answer, life is. Living is hard, but I rather live a miserable life full of suffering and pain than to cop out and give into the disease, I refuse to let it win. If it takes me it takes me, but I will not help it, No One Should!

I will lean on the Lord in all things, in all times and refuse to give into the wiles of the devil. I will not let evil come into my house, which is my heart. I will not let anyone shake my faith and what I believe and I will not live without Christ, in this world or in the next, I will be an overcomer, and I will get through this, either by my living life or my death, but never by my own doing, the disease will run its course, God will heal me and let me live like he’s done before or he will call me home, either way, I will always choose life. It’s the hard way, it’s the painful way, but only the dead can’t feel; only the dead can’t cry, and only the dead can’t speak their truth. My truth is Christ, and Christ is life.